I find it incredibly hard to sit down and write lately.
While I was traveling I loved to write. I always had exciting experiences to document, hurtles I overcame, feelings to share about. It was easy. Now I feel like I am loosing it. The days sometimes feel like they came and went and just passed me by. I often wonder if I am wasting my time here. I have begun a routine of Yoga every morning I wake up, after I feed my addiction to facebook. Something I need to work on as well. Anyways, I have a lot of freetime around my work schedule and I contemplate if I am utilizing it to the best of my ability. I have thoughts run through my head that maybe I am dealing with some form of depression. But then I think I am just over reacting and self diagnosing which I am often good at. Instead of writing, I just lay in my bed in my air conditioned room and contemplate my life. When I lay my head down at night I think of all these things I want to write about but as soon as I have the time to write my head is blank. Thank god writing is not making me a living or I would go broke.
In regards to the question of depression, maybe if I spill my guts out on here it will help me sort through my thoughts.
(I just posted a blog I wrote in the beginning of October, I am not editing this blog much so forgive me if they repeat or contradict themselves, this is the growth, the setbacks, the feelings raw and real)
I am finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything, even stuff that requires no real physical effort. The other day, it was my first day off in over a week and I just laid in bed, all day. I beat myself up for wasting a day away, wasting the precious sun that shines so hot here every damn day. Wasting the hours of exploring I could have done, yet I had no desire nor motivation to move out of bed. I just laid. I tried over and over to give myself permision to have a lazy day. I didn’t even eat until 5pm, which is like a miracle for me. All the while I laid there thinking I was lazy. Fat, boring, depressed, sad, lonely, but hey, I am in Thailand so its okay right?!
I am working on changing my negative thoughts to positive ones. I know it works, and it changes perspective, it changes experiences.
But here’s my vommit: I live in a place that is incredibly hot almost all the time. Trying to venture out on my own is a day trip in itself (although I am beginning to get the hang of the layout here). Riding a motorbike is probably the most stressful parts of my days. I know very few people here, recovery is almost 90% male expats. I wake up everyday obsessed with looking at facebook to see what is going on in all of my friends and families lives. I sometimes get resentful because I wish more people would connect with me via messenger or whatsapp thinking maybe I wouldnt be so obsessed with checking facebook.
- I miss work, school, working out, service work, my sponsor, my family, feeling apart of. I miss laughing until my stomach hurt. I miss cooking my own food. I miss my bed. I miss the rain and the refreshing clean air. I miss driving. I miss having motivation to do things because I know where to go and what to do. I miss having direction. Stability. Yes I miss it all.
Sometimes when people tell me I am living the dream I want to share with them the reality of what the “dream” is. And who’s to say this is the dream? What if my dream changes, constantly? And if you think I am living the dream, come and join me! Its a hot sweaty mess of a dream, but yes I can agree I will never regret having done this with my life. Having turned my entire life upside down to see the world, to explore the cultures, to open my eyes to things I would have never learned had I not chosen this.
Yet I still feel alone, sad, even dare I say it bored sometimes.
No matter where I go there I am is an understatement. Sometimes where you go, there you are tenfold.
All the defects and acting out to almost destroy a person.
Maybe thats it. Maybe this is the destruction of self to be who I really am supposed to be. To peal back all my layers and face each one head on. Im sure I sound negative. I am sure I sound ungrateful and depressing. It is not my intent. I love my job, and the new friends I am making. I intend to jump into service here with NA and commit to a homegroup. I believe it will help. Yoga has helped. For an hour an a half each day I am out of my head listening to the instructor guide me into positions that once were easy for me. Id like to become a yoga teacher someday, somewhere in the world. I have dreams, and aspirations still. They constantly change. I never want to stop traveling, but I long for the comfort of my friends and family.
How big is my god? I once heard someone say.
I will love the day I get to tell my kids all about living in Thailand. Riding motorbikes in the pouring rain, Seeing endless waterfalls, rafting rivers, meeting monks, visiting temples, making a new best friend, working in a beautiful place, getting lost for hours, eating amazing food, learning new languages, sitting with myself, the hardtimes, the goodtimes.
I don’t know where I am going but I know that I am living because I feel today.
Even though I sometimes have more bad moments than good, it has never lasted a full day. I have learned to pull through. I have learned that nothing, and nobody is going to save me except for me.