Unfolding the tenfold

It’s 3:33 on Friday the 13th here in Chiang Mai, Thailand. 22 days ago I wrote about struggling with well, myself. I am late to post my experience after writing that blog. It was lengthy and a bit negative for sure. But soon after I wrote that blog, and got those nasty feelings out in the open I experienced relief. Almost immediately. Its funny because I often know that writing helps to ease pain, it helps me to look at whats really going on in my head. It simply is an outlet, and I know this yet I choose to sit with the feelings instead. Well the day I wrote that blog, I realized I was fighting nobody but myself.

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.                                     The rainbow created by the reflection of light
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I have created these feelings and I can simply change them. I do not have to carry guilt or shame for who I am anymore. I do not have to hate myself because I am not who I think everyone wants me to be. Or I do not look how I think I should look. I mentioned to a coworker that day I was jealous of her appetite…(She had stated she is sometimes only hungry once a day). She responded “Dont be jealous-you have other things.” What I took from that statement empowered me. She may not have realized it. Being jealous is a waste of time and energy.
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We as human all have fantastic different qualities-thats what makes us different and unique-yet connected and whole. Wanting what someone else has because you think its better than what you have is an altered perception. The fault line within us lies within our perception. What I see in you, may be completely different than what you see in you, and vis versa.
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How do we change our perception?
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Mindfulness. Being mindful of ourselves, allowing thoughts to come and go. By creating a space in our mind free from being held captive by what we think. Thoughts DO NOT always create our reality contrary to many popular articles reposted on facebook. But they do create how we choose to react, and they influence our beliefs. My perception that skinny is beautiful is false. Simply that. I know this, and many others know this as well. Many times throughout my day I hear this statement in my head. MANY. Initially, I fell pray and desired to be thin, I become obsessive about food, working out, my appearance. As this thought comes and goes, I would see skinny people and judge them based on their outter appearances. “Okay, shes skinny but she’s not beautiful” I would think. Thus, another negative perception. Beauty is external. And how rude of me, I don’t know this person and I just deemed her skinny and ugly. As this false perception of beauty swirled in my head causing me all sorts of negative thoughts and feelings about myself and others I realized something. My perception is a result of my beliefs.
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If I am over here traveling the world, flipping my world upside down, why am I carrying beliefs that cause me negative feelings?
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So my perception is an illusion-everything we see is matter made of all the very same substances-electrons-neurons-protons..atoms swirling around reflecting light to create the images we see. If you took away light, the world would connect as one. In darkness we would rise, connecting together. Belief systems, appearances and righteousness would no longer seperate the spiritual experience.
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………..Now let me get back to the relief I found in the writing
Another moment, with the same coworker I stated without thinking “I am not willing to torcher my body with extremely instense exerises I don’t find joy in, inorder to obtain a certain body image.” She immediatly responded with a smile stating “thank god, I am so glad to hear you say that!” I had not even realized I had come to that realization until that moment. She was genuinely proud of me, as I became proud of myself. And following that another coworker agreed and said I was beautiful inside and out. This was literally right after I wrote my last blog (if you read it you will understand).
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As simple as this moment sounds, it was growth for me. These two people have only known me for 2 months and already know my obsession with food and appearance. That was a wake up call for me.
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I had to stop and redefine what beauty is to me, I sit here knowing I can’t change the worlds idea of beauty but I can change how I allow that “percieved beauty image” to affect me. What I realized is most often I dont define or judge a person based on their outer appearances, I have the ability to look beneth that immediately and have found beauty in every person I have encountered. 
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In my eyes, everyone is beautiful, everyone struggles. Living in a society here that obsesses over white skin, teeny tiny waste lines, long straight dark hair, and perfect skin I find sadness it takes our appearances to encourage someone to get to know our insides. I don’t have to operate this way, I don’t have to believe that anymore.
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Hanging out in a tree overlooking Mae Sae and Chiang Mai
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I have continued doing yoga atleast 5 days a week, I have lengthened my meditation each morning from 3 minutes to 13 minutes. I practice love for myself regularly, and I defeat my perception that my outside appearance is what makes me beautiful. I am healthy, I am fit, I can run, I can hike volcanoes, I can surf, I can swim, I can dance, I can cycle, I can breathe clearly, I am going to go rock climbing, I can jump out of planes, I can snowboard, I can sort of wake board, I can water ski, I can do real pushups, I can lift, I can contour my body into some odd yoga positions. There is not anything I can’t do. And I am perfectly perfect just the size I am, and so are you regardless of what you THINK.
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I have reached out and obtained a homegroup and a service position here in Chiang Mai. I am making more friends here as well. Life is good here today, I am happy, I get excited to wake up. I still struggle with motivation to venture out sometimes. I am okay with that. I have plenty of time to explore. OH and I am headed to Tonsai Beach, Krabi, Koh Phi Phi, and Koh Lanta next week! I will be back in Chiang Mai just in time for the Lantern festival.
Blissfuly Yours,
Alicia Rose
Beautiful Sunrise from Doi Suthep
It feels good to be making friends. ❤
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